Voice: Persona.

.27 December 2009 ' 12:39:00 AM Y

#1084

to my surprise, i realise that i have barely ten photos of my december despite the really hectic month. firstly, i have actually stopped camwhoring altogether (omg i know) and super lazy to charge the drained out battery as well.

anyway, it has been a good december with about four days remaining. work still goes on as normal, throwing myself into mood swings and tantrums, one after another. it is really tiring to have to motivate and encourage yourself all the time in your heart to keep things going, going, anf going..

commitments are piling up as well. how can people make promises on your behalf, and make you the villain when you find yourself unable to fulfill them? why is it that in some many parts of our lives, so many things are a "given" - we have no power to change them? talk about the different ways of filial piety, for instance.

uh.. it seems as if i cant keep up a proper post without ranting somehow. lately the past has been coming all back to me. say for instance, i bumped into "people from the past" the other day - no i dont mean historial figures; okay yes, maybe "historical figures" from my own history, my own memory. and so on, the past starts to return in ways and sometimes i start to wonder where i am at this point of life right now. need a definition point.. desperately.

christmas eve was good, brother came home after two good weeks in camp and looked so great and healthy! :D became a million times friendlier too :D and i finally changed my phone on xmas! its finally not a nokia phone anymore and uh, i bought a super ugly pink case for it today - friggin ugly!! now my laptop, camera, ipod and phone are all baby pink! HAHA

just came back from Fairmont (hotel) as well: awesome thai dinner and chillingz out in one of the suites! doesn't look very luxurious as i thought (i mean the suites), but nevertheless cityhall is one of my favourite hangouts still! :D my blood circulation these days must be damn good, been downing quite alot of red wine, so hope i won't kena anymore insect bites because stephy said that insects hate blood with alcohol in them.

still dont know if going to hang out with the girls tomorrow? benben is so weird, asked for a xmas meetup but he himself is not free pls. HAHA

.22 December 2009 ' 8:55:00 PM Y

#1083

has it been barely three days since? i think i have given up a particular hope of mine, because i did try my best and there was no way i could have produced something better during that same block of time. it is really super poignant when i begin.. or think, to really want that dream, that dream, only too late for realisation.

there is another path to walk, actually. yet everything looks really bleak right now.

i am not being pessismistic, really. because a part of me still feels that i am still able to achieve great things.. with whatever little strength and ability i still have. i just do not know where to step on.

i guess i really need to draw a circle around me, and branch it out in all directions, signifying the various parts of my life up until the present. and then, when i step out of that circle into blank space, i need to know what that void calls for. i need to know what i need to achieve when i step out of my own comfort zone. i need to build up my survival skills.

soon, i will miss this entire situation, or circumstance, or block of time, where all these are just, so sheltered. i will begin to miss this cosy and sheltered life i used to lead, and all problems during this time, would just shrink and minimize.

it is about a lot of things actually, if you are trying to wonder what it is about. for one, it is certainly a quick reality check for me, because year 2010 is quickly approaching in nine days. it is not just plans that we have to set, schedules we have to plan. i can do that all the time.. but i really need to get my priorities right, my goals founded, my dreams set so that i can set about chasing it (or them). if you know me, getting a goal isn't an easy task.

on a side note: because of the MOE Teaching Attachment, i've been rejecting almost all the job offers that i have so painstakingly set up my resumes for! especially one which is an international company who wants me for human relations to foreign countries internship!! (i applied with great hopes for it) it's like an unofficial diplomat- how cool is that seriously?! or simply doing administration at Changi Airport! all rejected. and that is why i need to know what i want to do.

by the way: idealism is never wrong in itself. without idealising, how do you start towards the ideal in the first place? it is simply because idealism is forcefully placed, and juxtaposed against realism that it becomes almost insane and inappropriate. some questions never need to be asked- because they never ever, require a said answer.

.18 December 2009 ' 11:45:00 PM Y

#1082

my most accurate prophesy is this: i am going to KO entirely after this post. incredibly worn out and fatigued, yet i know i need to record this special day down.

all in a day, i travelled from Tampines (home) to SPH (braddell), to Toa Payoh and back to Tampines (workplace), and then to Toa Payoh again to go to Mediacorp (Farrer Road), and then to Eunos, and back to Tampines again.

thinking that i would be late for the writing test, i ran quite a distance to SPH in the morning rain, only to find myself being the first person to arrive when i got to the 9th floor which manages human resources. SPH people are great. i can easily and comfortably converse with anyone who got into the lift. a feeling of no name possessed my soul; either fortunately or sadly, i felt strangely secure. maybe that was how jarred felt in NDU and i would be able to emphatise with him when i get rejected from SPH in approximately 2 weeks time.

the possibility of me failing is up to 85%. that 15% is if the other candidates dont choose the super ulu essay question that i did. im not going to reveal questions, really.

that test only consisted of the three of us - great girls indeed: huiping from hwachong, jiemin from vjc. can you see how much i pale in comparison? especially when jiemin asked us which school i was from. actually, i knew it when i saw their certificates by chance when the coordinator was checking.

jiemin has perfect SAT scores, a must-also-be-perfect IB cert (!!! yes i know wth right) and probably many other certs similiar to that. must-be-excellent O level results and preliminary result slip, wonderful testimonials and ESPPPP CCA records.

huiping has like one thousand and one certificates which i did not have the chance to view. top-notch O level results seriously, top notch preliminary results.

the thickness of their certs can fight the height of a slice of bread, EACH.
mine is like the thinness of maybe our literature paper four A level paper.

they asked us to list the universities we wanted to apply to, they wrote like more than ten, i wrote like two. even the second one was just being squeezed out from my mind, trying hard to think of an appropriate overseas university.

i looked at my cover letter again. what i used to think was nice and persuasive became simple and coarse. way too structured, i was totally seeing how inflexible my writing was, how framed up it was. the one written by the ACSI (international) with 45point IB was.. sublime.

seriously, to be even shortlisted for this writing test is already one of the most.. haunting miracles i have ever encountered. its totally insane. mad. impossible. unbelievable. throw in more words. fantasy. dreamworld. unreal. surreal. yes. SURREAL.

my suggestion of an appropriate and arresting title to the article as "Perk up the irks for jerks" will become an sph human resources office joke to drive away monday blues.

no, this is NOT to say that i am giving up. i am just trying to record this special day of the year, and even if i am not going to get shortlisted anymore, i guess i had a rather fruitful experience this time round. and i know what to do from now on.

the three of us talked absolute crap on the way out. i wish i could intern with them, haha. luckily i initiated number exchange, and i hope one of them gets shortlisted again and again. sincerely.

x

got to play badminton with xiangbin and maoo today when i dropped by the workplace! havent been playing badminton since tpj PE lessons.. like july?

went Mediacorp to pick up xy's chio prize, the receptionist had really awful service. did not call the person in question as required, resulted in us stupidly watching tv at the lobby for like close to an hour! finally the person (he's name is james HAHAHHA) came after 50mins when xy called his office! a most quirky guy! alright xy! go win more prizes and go see him again! :D

great ajisen for dinner after having not eaten for about TWENTY SEVEN hours.

severely dehydrated, i am so so so so so relieved that the injection i had for the allergy ytd is finally working. but it is because i did not work much today, was on OFF. i guess tmr would worsen it again. :(

i need alot of ME time.

.17 December 2009 ' 5:45:00 PM Y

#1081

seriously i dont care if you say that i'm haolian or anything, because not only do i NOT feel proud of it, i'm extremely troubled and vexed by it. like seriously.

so many things overlapping, i dont even know which one i should focus on.

firstly, the moron me rejected two job offers that i previously applied for. one of them is the job that i most prefer to do somemore.

secondly, i am not as elated for the teaching attachment as before.

thirdly, it is because i am worried that i might strike gold and get an sph internship. which i would want, obviously, but it clashes with the attachment.

okay, if i dont even make it for the interview and dont get an internship, what am i going to do after my attachment?

what if i miss the attachment AND the internship?

the friggin sph thing is a super big question mark.

and what if i strike a second gold and need to do PSC stuff?

i need to know if i have the internship by 26 december, and that is obviously NOT going to happen.

can you see how vexing it is, and that there is nothing to gloat about it? seriously?

.15 December 2009 ' 5:13:00 PM Y

#1080

i seriously miss the sheltered life that we had as students.
i want to give myself up for now. simply.. now.

i dont want to become speechless, i dont want to become so enclosed.
i dont want to become a utility.

a young and subtle kind of escapism, so faint, that they do not know that we are escaping.
it is your time out. where do you go?

somewhere good.

P/S: YEEHAN! thank you for the shweeet text, keep forgetting to reply cause' was at work. nevertheless, super appreciate it, find me soon! we live so close! :D

.13 December 2009 ' 10:59:00 PM Y

#1079

my numerous (mysterious) insect bites is actually rather painful on its own, but its nothing compared to mental aches and heartbreaks.

i can't believe you said that. okay, i can actually believe you said that.. shouldn't be the first time anyway. why does it give rise to such a new, surreal kind of ache each time? feeling so new, so novel, and yet dreary?

i am a both a domestic and national resource.

look at me, look at me. can you just tell me that you want me to be well, because you love me? because you do not want to see me tortured like this?

and not because i'm needed for work, i'm needed for this and that?

.11 December 2009 ' 12:44:00 AM Y

#1078

need to get up at 5am tomorrow because my brother is finally enlisting tomorrow.. well later. and he's nowhere at home but somewhere outside with his friends, leaving behind anxious and paranoid parents who worry not about his survival in camp, but whether he minds them going with him.

i am reminded of times when friends in army needed a chat to get by mundane and lonely moments in camp. i would offer them a call, and no matter how awkward it might be, one is relieved that the calls actually existed. we still had a fair amount and level of communication then.

approaching 2010, we are losing communication and rapport. the book i am reading now speaks of memory as our fuel tank for survival. right now i am rapidly using up this fuel tank, both unwillingly.. yet purposefully. what i feel is that it is like a candle, once the flame extinguishes once, the wick has been used, the next flame will no longer burn as brightly as before. parts of the room will no longer be lighted up, the soft light will no longer fill up the room.

it is not that you couldnt, nor i. everything else actually stays, except the communication.

the wavelengths are flunctuating.

.9 December 2009 ' 11:59:00 PM Y

#1077

it actually feels like an awfully long time since A Levels ended. the feeling is far from liberation, its more of annoyed, tired, annoyed, tired, annoyed, weary.

i thought five days was an awfully long time, and that was before my aunt's domestic helper came to stay over. and before any of us realized it, wednesday came and she left. she did amazing things, and it was as if a fairy godmother came to visit, both at home and at work. work started on saturday already and it was awfully bad, if working for your own mother sounds great, try having your role as a daughter and a staff and a worker painfully interchanged. and yes i am nearing the brink of exhaustion and most of the time i would like to give myself up altogether but if you know me enough you know i would never do that.

there are many things i want to give up before 2010 comes, and i know i dont have much time left. i just dont want it to spill over to 2010..

and if you think that i am really giving myself up and self-inflict myself to the point of destruction then you probably do not know me at all. i would have all the reasons in the world to show you why i would be so terribly disappointed and upset.

ooooo and i miss stephanieeeee siol sorry i took so long to reply your text!! will i kena charge extra if i reply? :/

.4 December 2009 ' 12:35:00 AM Y

#1076

college education has officially come to a close. it is also awesome that my last day of college life was spent with the people who spent the first day of it with me as well.. the pae gang! (my memory still has all of you in sec sch uniforms!) seriously.. i am super happy that we have come so far yet still so close! love you guys [:

seriously.. i loved college. i think tpjc has become more of an alma mater for me than ahs has been for me. my attitudes and ideas towards the future and my goals has changed a great deal, i owe a whole lot of gratitude to my inspirational figures, really. (esp rp!!) cross my heart and trust me when i say that i have never, ever, worked so hard for myself before.. especially when the future becomes so patent to you and you know that you have to make FULL use of your situation.. or circumstances.

so definitely, my already deep passion in literature cultivated in ahs has blossomed and intensified in college. you know life has something in store for you when you realise that you can't do science but excel in arts, or vice versa.. and i am not going to ignore that. (you too!) yup.. and i shall say this when i am still in optimism: that committments are piling up, stress is coming in new forms, but as long one remains in determination and has the support of loved ones and friends, i guess.. yeah lets work hard together to you who is reading this! [:

therefore.. i shall embark on my plan to "read 100 books before university"... and yup, swim with clemmy tmrrrrrrr! i can't wait to get back my brown hair, seriously.

.1 December 2009 ' 12:59:00 AM Y

#1075

i should have known better.
at the end of the day, i'm just a very silly girl, treating every fall as the end of the world, seeing every stretch of silence as the last.

like what i've been telling people all along, i should just do myself THE favour.